[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]
- Thread starter BrueThru
- Start date
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
The Irish Bic Lighter
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Saints be te Jesus' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a feckin Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere. I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' say s the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Saints be te Jesus' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a feckin Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere. I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' say s the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
The Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff
Three Aussie blokes, Mongrel, Coot and Bluey,
are working up on the top of a outback mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent,
Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife”.
Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it"
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?''
"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
"She said, "You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow."
"Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are.."
Three Aussie blokes, Mongrel, Coot and Bluey,
are working up on the top of a outback mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent,
Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife”.
Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it"
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?''
"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
"She said, "You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow."
"Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are.."
Who's your Daddy ????
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1.. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4.. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5.. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. (My choice)
6.. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7.. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time...... well, I don't have clue..
9.. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom ...
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS AND VOTERS.
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1.. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4.. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5.. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. (My choice)
6.. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7.. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time...... well, I don't have clue..
9.. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom ...
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS AND VOTERS.
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
An elderly man in North Qld owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodiles.'
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodiles.'
Idiosynocracy
New Member
I live with a Mexican family and they found this hilarious!
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Letter from camp
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
FZ6RiderSteve
Elite Member
I have a few for you guys.
There was this old couple laying in bed. The old man leaned to one side and let one go at that moment the woman looked at him and says, "What was that?" The old man replied "Well that was a touchdown." The woman looked at him with a confused face. The man says, "It's fart football I just got a touchdown." With out missing a beat the woman lets one go and replies, "Looks like it is a tie score." Right after she said that she roles over and quifs. The man says, "What was that?" She replies, "Field goal I am winning." He was thinking I can't let my wife win. The man pushes and pushes and strains and ends up shitting. The woman looks at him and asks "What was that?". The man smiles and says, "HALF TIME SWITCH SIDES!!!"
Hope you guys like it I know it was long...
There was this old couple laying in bed. The old man leaned to one side and let one go at that moment the woman looked at him and says, "What was that?" The old man replied "Well that was a touchdown." The woman looked at him with a confused face. The man says, "It's fart football I just got a touchdown." With out missing a beat the woman lets one go and replies, "Looks like it is a tie score." Right after she said that she roles over and quifs. The man says, "What was that?" She replies, "Field goal I am winning." He was thinking I can't let my wife win. The man pushes and pushes and strains and ends up shitting. The woman looks at him and asks "What was that?". The man smiles and says, "HALF TIME SWITCH SIDES!!!"
Hope you guys like it I know it was long...
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Someone has finally explained the reason baby's nappies have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends."
You see, when babies shit their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
However, when old people shit their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
You see, when babies shit their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
However, when old people shit their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
The Night Nurse
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen.
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Oscar Pistorius (again)
His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”
Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!
She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just Don’t Do It.”
Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called _Blade Gunner_.
If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”
Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!
She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just Don’t Do It.”
Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called _Blade Gunner_.
If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
really?
I mean, I know some people do it sarcastically, but... uhm...
4-6 WTF????
38 Yahoo Questions That Will Destroy Your Faith In Humanity
I mean, I know some people do it sarcastically, but... uhm...
4-6 WTF????
38 Yahoo Questions That Will Destroy Your Faith In Humanity
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
FastFreddy
New Member
I was in the newsagent the other day and browsing a few of the magazines and laughing at some of the jokes in the lads mag. The owner walks up and says "Do you think this is a library ?" with a raised eyebrow and stern look, so I says "Yes, Shhh, keep it down will you, I'm reading".
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
The Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .... circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .... circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
alaskanflyboy
Premium Member
Burt-Aus, you just reminded me of this gem:
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to strike him....he yelled out, "OH MY GOD!"
Time stopped.......
The bear froze.......
The forest was silent............
Even the river stopped moving.
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around,
GOD SPOKE:
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? "AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said GOD.
The light went out...
The river ran...
The sounds of the forest resumed..
And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food for which I am about to receive, Amen."
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to strike him....he yelled out, "OH MY GOD!"
Time stopped.......
The bear froze.......
The forest was silent............
Even the river stopped moving.
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around,
GOD SPOKE:
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? "AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said GOD.
The light went out...
The river ran...
The sounds of the forest resumed..
And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food for which I am about to receive, Amen."