[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]

[BrueThru]

Alright boys and girls let the joke telling begin.

First rounds on me. :iconbeer:

Theres a drunk walking down the street, one foot on the curb, one foot on the street, one foot on the curb, one foot on the street. Cop walks up and says "You drunk?". The man said "Thank god, I thought I was crippled.".

Jay Hickman

 

[JSP]

Nice...



A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

 

[BrueThru]

Theres a drunk standing on a street corner. Cop walks up and asks "What are you doing?". Guy says "I hear the world goes around every 24 hours. I'm waiting on my f*ckin house"

Jay Hickman

 

[Xfactor evo]

Really dont know any jokes that arent extremely crude or offensive to women or other races or the people with cooth so i will just read em.... Pretty good ones so far

 

[BrueThru]

Hope the Mods don't hate me for this thread. I know its more work for them.

 

[Cmltoe]

An old guy sits at the superbowl, front row, with an empty seat next to him. Eventually, a guy behind him asks him why the seat is empty.

The old man explains that he's attended every Super Bowl with his wife of 50 years, but she passed away and this is the first Super Bowl they won't see together. The inquisitive fan feels terrible for the man and asks "but don't you have any friends that could have come with you to use the seat?"

The old man replies "they're all at her funeral."

 

[GHOSTWITTHEMOST]

have you seen that show on lifetime,,about that women?

 

[ChUcK]

So I went to the doctor the other day to get a physical...

Doctor: "ChUcK, you're going to have to stop masturbating"

Me: "What? Why?!?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to give you a PHYSICAL, that's why!!!"

 

[alaskanflyboy]

I was talking to my friend today and he told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked him how he tells them apart. He said, "Her brother has a mustache."

 

[CrazyCawi]

ahahahahaha alaskan thats hilarious! And same to you chuck! keep em coming guys! I got one for you all

So two men go to the restaurant at the top of the empire state building. They sit down at the bar and order some drinks. After serving the drinks the bar tender continues to clean tables behind them while listening in on the conversation being had. Well one guy at the bar turns to the two men and says I guarantee that I can run and jump out the open window and by the time I get to the 15th floor the wind is so strong that it will carry me around the building and back in through another window

The two men call bullshits and the guys says "ill prove it watch"...he runs and jumps out....15th floor comes, and boom in the window he goes and takes the elevator up to the restaurant again. The two men are in shock and say do it again, no way is that possible! They each have another drink quick and the man runs and jumps out the window. Same thing and he comes right back up to the two gentleman. Now after a few drinks these guys get brave and decide to try together, themselfs. They both run and jump out the window. 15.....10....5...4....2....SPLAT! They hit the ground and died. The bar tender walks over to the guy at the bar and says "Ya know Superman, your a real jackass when your drunk"

 

[JSP]

haha thats funny! ^^

 

[JSP]

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $500 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'" The golf pro didn't know what a "gotcha" was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $500. "What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my crotch while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

 

[JSP]

A man walks into a bar and sees a miniature man sitting on a table playing a miniature piano.

He's fascinated and watches the man play for a few minutes, then asks the bartender, "How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?"
The bartender replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish."


"And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?"


"Well, not exactly."

 

[Deputyfarva252]

Yo mama so fat she fell on the rainbow and skittles popped out ....

yes i went there

 

[ChUcK]

So I've got this screwdriver in my hand...















THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

 

[Deanohh]

Sven asks Oly to stand behind his car to see if the turn signals are working properly. Sven: "Is the left one working?" Oly: "Ya, no, ya, no, ya, no...... "

 

[CrazyCawi]

yo momma so hairy when you were born you got rug burn!

yo momma so fat when she wears a rain coat people yell "hey taxi"

yo momma so ugly when she look in the mirror...yeah jk I dont have an ugly one at this time lol

Okay so I got another novel of a joke

So this lady goes to work, and as she goes on her break a guy comes up to her and says "hey maam, your hair smells nice, what do you use?"....she was annoyed and didnt reply and walks away. The next day she goes on break and as she leaves the coffee machine the same guy walks buy and he goes "Hey maam, glad to see you again, just wanted to tell you your hair smells nice!" This time shes pretty pissed but contains herself and walks away. The next day she goes in for lunch and as she walks through the door he through from the other side and says hey maam, you hair smells nice what do you use? By this time shes IRATE and very offended, she tells him shes going to report him to management and shes furious. He goes "maam, I was just commenting on how beautiful your hair smells? Sheesh"

Well she goes into the boss and explains everything. After a moment or two the boss contemplates and says..."Sheila, this should be a compliment am I right?" She then says..."Boss...Its willy from accounting...hes a midget"


ahahahaha ENJOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 

[DolphinOne]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

 

[kevin8198]

A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with a supermodel. After about two weeks, they give in to their desires and start having sex. After about 3 weeks of this, the guy says to the model
"Would you do me a favor?"
"Sure she says."
"First, put my clothes on," he says. She does.
"Next, would you draw a beard and mustache on your face with this piece of coal I found?"
"Sure," she says hestitantly.
"Finally, can I call you Fred?" he asks.
"Okay...." she agrees.
"Great! Hey Fred, you'll never guess who I've been bangin' for the last 3 weeks!"


A young woman is on the brooklyn bridge, about to commit suicide. A sailor sees her as she is about to jump and shouts "Wait! Don't do it! I'm leaving on a ship to Europe. I'll sneak you on board so that you can come with me and start all over!"
"Okay, I guess so" the woman says.
So he sneaks her on board and stows her away. Every night he brings her food and they have sex all night long. This goes on for 3 weeks.
One day, the captain stumbles across her in her hiding place. "What are you doing on board?" he demands.
"Well, I have an agreement with one of your crewmen. He is taking me to Europe; every night he brings me food and then we screw."
"You're certainly being screwed," said the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

 

[ChUcK]

haha, those were good ones.


So my buddy has this butler with no left arm...


...serves him right.