Idiosynocracy
New Member
What you you call it when a guy with an IQ of over 200 gets a handjob?
A stroke of genius.
A stroke of genius.
[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]
- Thread starter BrueThru
- Start date
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust...
The next morning she hears a knock at the door,
it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman
"Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him
what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
"Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again"
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same
guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
"Do you have vagina?......."
"Yes" she says.......
The man replies "Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours"
She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust...
The next morning she hears a knock at the door,
it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman
"Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him
what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
"Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again"
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same
guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
"Do you have vagina?......."
"Yes" she says.......
The man replies "Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours"
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
A few strange items from around the world
A few strange items from around the world which are all reputedly true. Those of a doubting disposition may wish to check them out . . . .
1. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
2. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,
who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
3. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
(No golf clubs....I hear a 3 iron works well.)
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
4. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
5. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)
6. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
(or maybe this relates to #5?)
7. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what?)
(Well, not as great as Guam!)
8. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
9. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
10. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
11. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
12. Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
13. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!!
A few strange items from around the world which are all reputedly true. Those of a doubting disposition may wish to check them out . . . .
1. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
2. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,
who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
3. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
(No golf clubs....I hear a 3 iron works well.)
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
4. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
5. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)
6. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
(or maybe this relates to #5?)
7. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what?)
(Well, not as great as Guam!)
8. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
9. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
10. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
11. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
12. Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
13. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!!
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising." Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab exercising." And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bloke put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising." Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab exercising." And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bloke put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
some really good ones here
http://www.airbagjacket.eu/motorcycle_jokes.html
http://www.airbagjacket.eu/motorcycle_jokes.html
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Prepare to be offended
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'
I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.
She said 'sorry about the wait'.
I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was where do women have the curliest hair?
Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Bikies" were NOT the correct answers.
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'
I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.
She said 'sorry about the wait'.
I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was where do women have the curliest hair?
Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Bikies" were NOT the correct answers.
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
My Wife the Pilot
My wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere near Peterborough because of bad weather.
The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:
She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
My wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere near Peterborough because of bad weather.
The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:
She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
Attachments
My wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere near Peterborough because of bad weather.
The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:
She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
lmfao....... im sending this to my x
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Today I was beaten up by a woman...
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, “Would you please press 1?”
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards...
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, “Would you please press 1?”
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards...
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Keith decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Keith's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Keith said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
So they loaded up Keith's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Keith said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.
At a street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This became a daily occurrence between him and the hooker.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood.
He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
At a street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This became a daily occurrence between him and the hooker.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood.
He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
burn!!!! lol so true
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Short Stories
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A man goes into a book store and asks the young lady assistant,"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy."
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didnt take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
I just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been f**ked.
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
She said, “ If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane! "
The meaning of life in 13 words..
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f**k happened.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A man goes into a book store and asks the young lady assistant,"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy."
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didnt take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
I just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been f**ked.
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
She said, “ If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane! "
The meaning of life in 13 words..
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f**k happened.
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Excursion to the Race course
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.
When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.
When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.
Last edited:
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
A New Golfing Partner
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf
course, when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game,
and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked
the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag,
and pulling out a beautiful Mauser sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right.
This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha...I can see she's naked!!
...Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...and he's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man,
"How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate for you...one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife
because she's always been mouthy...so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine
...so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim,
standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the guy impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly,
"I think I can save you a grand here!!!"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf
course, when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game,
and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked
the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag,
and pulling out a beautiful Mauser sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right.
This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha...I can see she's naked!!
...Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...and he's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man,
"How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate for you...one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife
because she's always been mouthy...so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine
...so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim,
standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the guy impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly,
"I think I can save you a grand here!!!"
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
3 Little Pigs
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, **** me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, **** me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
Couple of Axioms for the group....
It's not whether you win or lose,
But how you place the blame.
We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
Was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money Can throw one heck of a party
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps our kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed
Skydiving is not for you
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
-Then things began to get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest of them a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
To produce reproductive organs
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
Three out of four people make
Up 75% of the population
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in, and first he is green,
Then he turns yellow
And then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
Identify their corporate sponsors."
The reason Politicians try so Hard to get re-elected is that they
Would 'hate' to have to make a living Under the laws they've passed .
It's not whether you win or lose,
But how you place the blame.
We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
Was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money Can throw one heck of a party
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps our kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed
Skydiving is not for you
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
-Then things began to get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest of them a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
To produce reproductive organs
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
Three out of four people make
Up 75% of the population
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in, and first he is green,
Then he turns yellow
And then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
Identify their corporate sponsors."
The reason Politicians try so Hard to get re-elected is that they
Would 'hate' to have to make a living Under the laws they've passed .