[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]

[BackBone]

A Man goes to a bar and sits next to a prostitute.
The Prostitute asks "How's Your Day Going?"
The Man replys, "Not so well, I lost my job today, my marriage is falling apart, and my house is about to be foreclosed on."
The Prostitute feels sorry for the man and says, "I'll give you a Free One."
Then she asks, "What are you into?"
The Man responds, "Some serious kinky stuff."
The Prostitute shrugs her shoulders and says, "That's OK, let's go to my place."
They get there and she goes to the other room to slip into something more appropriate for the encounter.
She comes back into the room wearing Leather, with chains and whip.
The Man is putting his pants back on and zipping up his fly.
The Prostitute asks, "What are you doing, I thought you wanted Kinky?"
The Man replys, "I just screwed your cat, and took a $hit in your purse, I'm outta here!".

 

[dart1963]

guy's tailgating me... so I speed up...
...
can't shake him, so I speed up....
...
finally at 130mph, I decide I've had enough...
...
I pull over to give him the riot act....
the nerve of this guy... he pulls over to, I'm thinking.. I'm gonna give it to him, all he's got to say???
...
..
...
..
.
"License and Registration"

 

[ChUcK]

Middle-aged husband and wife. The wife is looking to spice things up a bit sexually, so one day while the hubby's at work she trims her bush and shaves it into the Superman "S" logo.

When the hubby gets home from work she leaps out of the bathroom, whips her towel onto the floor, and yells-

"Super Pussy!"

The husband replies, "I'll take the soup."

 

[Deputyfarva252]

guy's tailgating me... so I speed up...
...
can't shake him, so I speed up....
...
finally at 130mph, I decide I've had enough...
...
I pull over to give him the riot act....
the nerve of this guy... he pulls over to, I'm thinking.. I'm gonna give it to him, all he's got to say???
...
..
...
..
.
"License and Registration"

Thats awesome:wav:

 

[RedDeadRaven]

A blonde is looking at the perfume in a department store when the saleswoman walks over to help-

Saleswoman: Is there anything I can help you with young lady?

Blonde: Um, yea, whats that?
(she says pointing at a bottle in the case)

Saleswoman: Ah, that is venir a moi.
(she says, taking the bottle out of the case and handing it to the blonde)

Saleswoman: Its French. It means, "come to me"
(the blonde sprays the perfume into the air and takes a few sniffs)

Blonde: Huh. Doesn't smell like come to me.

 

[RedDeadRaven]

A man walks into a public restroom and sees a guy with no arms standing by the urinal shifting back and forth.

No arms: Oh thank god. Sir, could you help me?

Man: No...sorry.
(and he turns to walk back out)

No arms: Please, mister! I gotta go really bad and no one will help me.

The man feels terrible and agrees to help. He walks over to the man with no arms, unzips his pants, and takes a step back to wait.

No arms: Hey mister, I 'preciate you so much, and I'm awful sorry 'bout this, but can you pull it out and hold it for me so I don't piss all over the place?

The man reluctantly agrees and proceeds to pull out no arm's penis and hold it while he takes a leak. He can't help but to look at no arm's penis while he's holding it and notices that it's discolored and has blisters and leaking pustules. He then gets a whiff of the horrible smell coming from no arm's crotch, but manages not to vomit. When no arms finishes, the man zips him up and quickly walks to the sink to wash his hands.

Man: That's disgusting! What the hell is wrong with your dick?!?

No arms: I don't no man. (he says as he puts his arms out through his sleeves) But I ain't gonna touch it!

 

[dart1963]

A man in a Skyline GTR stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him.

The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Skyline and tells the driver that he has a really sweet ride.

Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Skyline decides to show off his sweet ride and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him.

So, being a bit taken by this, the Skyline driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter.

A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little pi$$ed that this little POS scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going almost 200 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the mirror and sees the scooter starting to catch up.

He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Skyline. After the dust settled, the Skyline driver sees the rider lying in the road and goes over to him and asks how the ##$@# could he keep up on a little POS scooter...

The man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."

 

[karl213]

A man in a Skyline GTR stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him.

The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Skyline and tells the driver that he has a really sweet ride.

Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Skyline decides to show off his sweet ride and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him.

So, being a bit taken by this, the Skyline driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter.

A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little pi$$ed that this little POS scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going almost 200 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the mirror and sees the scooter starting to catch up.

He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Skyline. After the dust settled, the Skyline driver sees the rider lying in the road and goes over to him and asks how the ##$@# could he keep up on a little POS scooter...

The man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."

hahahaha

 

[Deputyfarva252]

did you hear about the girl with the tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh?

yeah if you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean

 

[Uno979]

Just thought I'd share.

 

[ChUcK]

photoshop. I've seen that sign before.

 

[kevin8198]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing.”

:thumbup:

 

[kevin8198]

A blonde, her husband, and two children are all sitting in their living room watching television.

The blonde turns to her husband and says, “Honey, why don’t we send the kids out back to P-L-A-Y, so we can fuck!”

:thumbup:

 

[kevin8198]

A cop pulls over a ditzy looking blonde driving a convertible and asks to see her license.

“What’s that?” she asks.

He explains that it’s the card proving she knows how to drive.

“Oh, I have one of those,” she says.

After checking her information in the squad car, the cop says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“What’s a ticket?” she asks.

The cop thinks about it, looks both ways, and pulls out his dick.

The girl slumps in her seat and says, “Oh, no. Not another Breathalyzer.”

:thumbup:

 

[Deputyfarva252]

old but a classic


how do you kill a blonde?

put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool......

 

[Deputyfarva252]

Tarzan is attacked by a lion in the jungle. The animal rips off Tarzan's arm, eye and penis. His jungle friends help him by giving him the spare parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a d**k.

Later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep picking grass and shoving in Tarzan's ass

 

[dart1963]

This thread has gone sour (o.k. a long time ago)

I don't mind... but it's a bit, un-forum friendly...

Can I just rate it R..... NSFW.... etc... and we all have an understanding? If you open this thread and are offended... here's your sign? DON'T OPEN!

I'll do my moddly duties and delete if needed, but I think the humor is far more needed right about now....

 

[Michael Wilson]

So a blonde and her husband are flying to Europe on vaction.

The pilot comes over the intercom and says "Ladies and Gentlemen we have lost engine #1 please stay calm there is no danger to your lives. We will be arriving to our destination 15 minutes late."

The blonde says "ugh now I have to wait even LONGER!"

About an hour later the pilot comes on the intercom and says "Ladies and Gentlemen do not panic we have lost engine #2 please stay calm there is no danger to your lives. We will be arriving to our destination 30 minutes late."

The blonde groans.


Awhile later the pilot comes on the intercom and says "Ladies and Gentlemen we have lost engine #3 please stay calm we are close to our destination. We will be arriving to our destination 45 minutes late."

The blonde jumps and and screams, "DAMMIT! If we loose engine #4 we will be up here all f***king day!

 

[99vengeur]

This thread has gone sour (o.k. a long time ago)

I don't mind... but it's a bit, un-forum friendly...

Can I just rate it R..... NSFW.... etc... and we all have an understanding? If you open this thread and are offended... here's your sign? DON'T OPEN!

I'll do my moddly duties and delete if needed, but I think the humor is far more needed right about now....

Yeah, I think a NSFW tag in the title should cover it. :thumbup:

 

[Deputyfarva252]

Yeah, I think a NSFW tag in the title should cover it. :thumbup:

dumb question whats NSFW?